Epic Mind Failure
by dontstealmyvitaminies
Summary: What WAS going through Darcy's mind before he proposed? How does it involve a rubber chicken, cows and a near swordfight between his senses? Well, it all ties together with muchly lolz and a great deal of randomness.


Brain: Right, is everyone here? Subconscious? Ego? Reason? Inner child? Where's recklessness?

Recklessness: It's been a while but I thought I should turn up; inner child and I have been trying to catch a fish.

Sense of humour: I turned up too!

Subconscious: I forget he existed…

Conscious: Back in your hole, subby.

Ego: Well _I'm_ here, we should hurry it along then.

Brain: Wait, we need the heart and soul!

Ego: _Those_ wet blankets?

Recklessness: Lets go burn something!

Reason: They really should be here; it is a matter concerning us all.

Heart: I'm here!

Soul: Good evening all.

Brain: I believe we all know why we are here.

Sense of humour: I don't know what the rest of you were doing, but I live here!

Protectiveness: Well you certainly haven't been spending too much time at home lately, have you!

Inner child: Ooooh a bug!

Protectiveness: Don't even think it, young man!

Soul: Could we kindly continue? I have other things to do I'm afraid.

Heart: Yes, please do!

Brain: Right, we are here because of Elizabeth Bennet.

Heart: I believe her middle name is Marie.

Inner child: Ooooh, that's a pretty name!

Soul: Her name is inconsequential

Brain: Well, like Soul said, her name doesn't matter, but I think we have a problem on our hands. Yesterday I was doing my rounds, only to see something that shocked me more than I can really express in front of Inner Child.

Shame: I'm sorry ok! I didn't know you were looking!

Sense of humour: Of course he was looking

Libido: _I_ was looking….

Ego: Such thoughts are beneath us.

Heart: Could someone please explain? No one ever uses me you see, and I can't see what's going on inside the brain ALL the time. Actually, for the past few years, Brain and I haven't really been getting along...

Soul: We were imagining Elizabeth Marie Bennet naked.

Heart: Well, now I WISH I had checked in…

Reason: Regardless of who saw it, we shouldn't have been thinking it!

Subconscious: Its not like we're going to see the original anytime soon….

Brain: Excuse me a moment, I think the heart and I need to speak alone.

(Everyone leaves)

Brain: Well, what are we going to do?

Heart: I think we should marry her.

Brain: You only want her body.

Heart: Not true! I just think we should talk to her, ask her permission to court her.

Brain: Is that what kids are calling it these days…

Heart: It isn't my fault that it's so easy to adore her, she's so beautiful, I think we should marry her!

Brain: Are you kidding? Ego, get over here for a second-

Ego: Howdy, brain.

Brain: What do you think we should do about Miss Bennet?

Ego: That woman is too beneath us to even consider _thinking_ about it.

Brain: See?

Heart: Oh, and ego isn't prejudiced in the least?

Brain: Good point, REASON!

Reason: Hello chaps.

Heart: What do you think we should do about Elizabeth?

Reason: Well she's very lovely, but realistically, we should consider the facts.

Rationality: Sorry, I was eavesdropping, and wanted to help.

Heart: Right, _fact_, she's beautiful.

Brain: She does have a pleasing figure and charming features…

Soul: She has inner beauty too!

Brain: Humph. Soul, is that all you care about? The _inner_ beauty?

Soul: You don't understand love, you simpleton.

Brain: Oh go read some Oscar Wilde, you drama queen.

Heart: Reminding you, she _is_ beautiful…

Romantics: Oh yes, with the body of a goddess, the face of an angel, and eyes-

Soul: Like violet wells of passion.

Brain: I wasn't being SERIOUS when I told you to read Oscar Wilde…

Reason: Her eyes are more of a dark blue than they are violet…

Ego: All I noticed is that they were dark.

Brain: Right, next point then.

Heart: She's undoubtedly well-educated, and _very_ clever.

Ego: For a girl.

Heart: You're just pissed because she gave you a bruising.

Soul: Her soul is a one of wisdom and beauty**.**

Reason: But will intelligence alone make us happy? There must be more to a marriage than that!

Inner Child: I wonder if she likes playing hide and seek….

Recklessness: Let's grab her, doesn't matter how smart she is!

Pride: Ahem.

Heart: Oh no… I was hoping he wouldn't turn up…

Pride: This girl isn't worth our attention.

Ego: Finally! Someone is on _my_ side!

Soul: We _need_ her, _I_ need her!

Heart: So do I!

Brain: Doesn't she have any other good traits? She's clever and handsome, is that all? There are plenty of young ladies like that in London, with larger fortunes.

Sense of Humour: She's quite funny...

Libido: I bet she'd be up for experimentation... * cackle *

Reason: She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt _me_.

Protectiveness: She is far too young for us. Not even twenty yet.

Ego: I'm telling you, she will be a degradation!

Romantics: This thing, this child, the woman is not beauty, but rather _beauty _is a reflection of _her_ soul, that dances and shivers, longing for the touch of a lover...

Soul: Hear, hear!

Ego: A degradation I say!

Pride: She will pull us down in society!

Rationality: No she won't, we would just pull her up, you know. She _is_ a gentleman's daughter.

Heart: Oh God how I love thee, Elizabeth… Elizabeth Marie Bennet…Elizabeth Marie Darcy…

Brain: Hold up, where did _that_ come from? Brain speaking, DO NOT SAY THAT AGAIN!

Heart: I shall say it till my tongue stiffens!

Brain: That's right, when the going gets tough go Emily Bronte on me!

Romantics: I am the cat and you are but the mouse, my dear, and we shall act according to our own parts! Oh, let me capture you and hold you tightly to my breast!

Soul: You're very good at this you know, I was thinking that you, the heart and I should just toddle off and leave these people to argue.

Heart: I think that's a good idea soul, what say you Romantics?

Romantics: Will Elizabeth be there?

Heart: Uhh... I don't think so.

Romantics: I'm sorry; I'm a little busy right now.

(Back to the fight)

Reason: We really should think about this logically-

Ego: Degradation!

Shame: We shouldn't even be thinking of her!

Inner Child: Well I like her!

Recklessness: Let's just grab her, and elope to Scotland!

Sense of Humour: There was a girl called 'Beth, who had a nice pair of-

Ego: DEGRADATION!

Brain: Now listen guys, can't we get something agreed on?

Subconscious: It's in the back of my mind, but I think... perhaps I might love her…

Conscious: Oh, what do _you_ know? You're never sure of anything, but _I_ know we _can't_ love her!

Rationality: Let's go back to the logic idea!

Pride: We are too good for the likes of _her._

Heart: My Lizzy – my love…

Reason: Well, we need to come to an answer…

Sense of Humour: Knock, knock?

Ego: DEGRADATION I SAY! DEGRADATION!

Soul: SHUTUP!!

(All pause)

Soul: Let's think about it logically, for every pro, we need a con. Heart, you begin. Brain, you do the cons, since you seem so good at it.

Heart: She's the most beautiful creature to ever grace the earth.

Brain: Con, she is quite beneath us.

Heart: Pro, she is very intelligent.

Brain: Con, she is young and naive.

Heart: Pro, she is very witty.

Brain: Con, she has a VERY disagreeable family.

Heart: Pro, you'll only have to see them very occasionally.

Brain: Con, have you seen her mother? What if she grows up like her?

Heart: Pro, she is too sensible to turn into a deranged madwoman.

Brain: Con, she has a very small dowry.

Heart: Pro, we don't even need it.

Brain: Con, she is too outspoken.

Heart: Pro, she is outspoken.

Brain: Con, she is too... short.

Heart: Pro, it gives you a good view, if you catch my drift…

Brain: Con, she is teasing and playful.

Heart: Pro, she is playful.

Brain: That was my con!

Heart: It's a pro now. It's a lovely feeling, to be teased by the likes of Elizabeth Bennet!

Brain: Fine, but she's too – too –

Heart: Can't think of anything? I can think of a million more pros.

Brain: Fine then, I'll concede that she is very agreeable, but she isn't what we need.

Soul: What DO we need?

Reason: We are in need of a wife, a mistress for Pemberley, a sister for Georgiana, and an heir for the estate.

Heart: Well making an heir with Lizzy would be fun…

Ego: She isn't fit to Mother our children.

Recklessness: Her children would be very attractive…

Brain: Oh come on, how do we know she would even be a good mother? Or that she _likes_ children?

Rationality: She would make a suitable candidate…

Pride: That little slip of a thing? She couldn't give us any children; she's too young anyway. Let's go marry someone with connections, who _isn't_ nearly ten years our junior.

Heart: Oh go blow it out your ear, with your 'connections' nonsense!

Pride: I shall not be spoken to in that manner!

Romantics_: _Oh wretched life, why do you throw such a beauty upon me? For I would give up my life to share hers, yet such a life should not be tarnished with one such as mine!

Soul: Ever considered writing a book?

Romantics: I'm too in love to write a book.

Heart: You should give it a shot.

Romantics: I wonder if Lizzy would read it…

Ego: DEGRADATION!

Reason: Shut up you old cow!

Inner Child: MOOO!

Protectiveness: Not that kind of cow, dearest.

Recklessness: Let's go burn something!

Brain: Brain here, I think we should do this practically, we'll go round, and see who wants to be with her, and who doesn't.

Soul: I want to be with her – I can feel such a strong connection to her soul!

Heart: I want to be with her too! I love her! _We_ love her!

Reason: Well, I just can't keep resisting temptation…

Temptation: Well, you all know where I stand.

Sense of humour: Yeah, right next to us, with your leg stretched out whenever someone walks past…

Inner Child: I wanna go on a picnic with Lizzy! She's pretty…

Rationality: Well, I don't think it's too advisable, but it does sound nice…

Protectiveness: So long as Lizzy is happy and healthy.

Common Sense: Didn't invite me to the party, 'eh? Well, that's all right, I think it's a bad idea anyway.

Ego: I quite agree.

Pride: Myself included.

Recklessness: You guys still here? I was packing our bags; do you think Lizzy would prefer a honeymoon in Scotland or Wales?

Romantic_s__: _What words cannot say how I love thee, its like I have barely awoken, and the world is new to me. This love is new to me; this pain is new to me!

Subconscious: Well I think I agreed all along.

Conscious: It isn't the right thing to do, we know this!

Shame: We really shouldn't be doing this…

Brain: Well, I'm getting tired of a lonely bed. Let's give it a shot, shall we?

Ego: On the condition that _I_ do the talking. You lot don't possess the proper sense to handle a matter like this.

Soul: Well that's not fair, why don't we have auditions for who should ask her?

Brain: I think that's a good idea actually, Heart, you go first.

Heart: Lizzy, I love you! Run away with me to Gretna Green!

Recklessness: Oh so we've settled on Scotland then?

Reason: Lizzy, I've looked at all the facts, and I think we should give a relationship a go.

Inner Child: Lizzy, I love you like I love my teddy!

Protectiveness: Elizabeth, I think you should sit down…

Subconscious: Elizabeth, I haven't realised this till recently…

Shame: Miss Bennet, I'm sorry to admit this…

Common Sense: Miss Bennet, the sensible thing to do is accept my hand.

Rationality: Lizzy, I've been thinking about this quite a lot, and want to look at it logically…

Romantics: Oh my love, my angel, run away with me to Paris, where we shall hold each other day and night, and where I will kiss your beautiful lips with as much love as I possess!

Soul: You have bewitched me, mind, body and soul – and I love you.

Pride: I know what you're thinking, 'he is too good for me! What is he paying attention to such a simpleton as myself?'

Recklessness: I wouldn't actually propose, just grab her and run. Hopefully whilst Aunt Cathy is watching.

Conscious: I know its wrong, but a little voice in the back of my mind…

Libido: Elizabeth, every time you're near I get the sudden urge to grab you and -

Sense of humour: Come Cinderella, let's take the next pumpkin outta here!

Slime ball: Hey good looking, do you have a map? 'Cos I'm lost in your eyes…

Ego: I think we should remind her of her position, and exactly what she would be getting out of by marrying me.

Reason: Don't you mean us?

Ego: Your words, not mine.

Temptation: In vain I have struggled, it will not do. My feelings will not be not be repressed…

Brain: That sounded quite good.

Heart: I liked that bit.

Ego: I still think we should mention her position, and want of connections, it will make the whole process easier.

Impatience: Yes, yes, yes, just as long as we get that first bit in!

Romantics: My dearest Lizzy – You must allow me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you…

Conscious: That bit sounded quite good too, about ardently loving and admiring.

Reason: So, so far we have 'In vain I have struggled, it will not do. My feelings will not be not be repressed, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you.'

Ego: It sounds quite good, I'll just add something about her low connections and we're right!

Common Sense: I really don't think that is going to flatter her.

Ego: She is in no position to deny me!

Sense of Humour: The way you're going mate, she's gonna deny you a lot more than marriage…

Ego: Are you implying Elizabeth would not wish to share a marriage bed with me?

Sense of humour: Well I certainly wouldn't share with you.

Ego: You shall pay for that remark, knave! Have at you, on guard!

(Sense of humour pulls out a rubber chicken)

Sense of Humour: Fight me if you dare, fool!

Protectiveness: Boys! Calm down! We are here to discuss Elizabeth, not let our manly pride get in way!

Manly Pride: My job!

Male Ego: And we do a fine job of it too!

Humility: Hello! Sorry I haven't turned up for so long; I hope I didn't inconvenience you at all? Its just no one was using me…

Ego: Bloody humility, so full of himself…

Recklessness: So stuck up! Like we needed _you_!

(Humility bursts into tears and runs away)

Reason: Right, we can't all tell Elizabeth, we need to assign a group to do it, who volunteers?

Ego: Me! Pick me!

Manly Pride: Oh, me too!

Male Ego: I'm going if he's going!

Blind stupidity: Me too! I never get used!

Crudeness: Oh, me too please!

Pride: And I shall supervise.

Common Sense: This doesn't look right, maybe I should tag along…

Blind stupidity: We can handle ourselves! Let's go boys!

Recklessness: I'm coming too, for emergencies.

Ego: Only if you stay at the back, and don't make a sound!

Recklessness: I can live with that, I'll just give us a little push…

Subconscious: You know, I get the strangest feeling that something will go wrong…

Ego: Nothing can go wrong! She would never deny us!

Heart: I hope all goes well…

Romantics: If it doesn't work, I get to do the next one!

Impatience: Fine, fine, just hurry up! If we can hurry, we should be married by sunset!

Ego: Keep your pants on, we're going!

Brain: Good luck guys!

Luck: You're going to need a lot more than me…

(All seven senses leap to controls, as Darcy begins his disastrous proposal.)

(All return to waiting room, looking sad, Ego very bruised and beaten up)

Crudeness: She beat the shit out of ego, manly pride, male ego, and pride, only stupidity and I got away without being harmed!

Common sense: Well, well, well… Look whose come crawling back…

**A/N: Hmm, yes, I know it's random… But this is what Darcy was thinking before he proposed (yeah right!) I wrote this a while ago, but I just wanted to put it up to see what people thought… please review, it makes me feel happy. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Jane Austen, Darcy, Oscar Wilde (who wasn't around when Darcy was proposing) or Emily Bronte, in fact, I own very little. Hmm. Bother.**

**EDIT: You can find the sequel '**_**I really hope this works'**_** on my author's page, which details Darcy's attempt at the second proposal! Yay!**


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